Sorry for being quiet online lately; I’m paralyzed by stress too much to do anything.

That’s right; I didn’t stop posting blogs because I got lazy. No, I had a real nice streak going in February. It made me feel nice to start new blog series like Word Essays, or a new fun project like the 250 World War II Movie Challenge.

Then it all came to a crashing halt because I’ve been so paralyzed by stress I can’t focus long enough to continue any of it.

I’ll write about this last month again another time. Once it’s all passed. If it even does.

Part of me is terrified to talk about any of it publicly, like some taboo-based fear where, if I talk about it, I’ll jinx it and make sure the worst-case scenario happens. That’s also a privacy thing, but the taboo part of it is alluring to my stupid brain right now. When I’m in high-stress situations, my anxiety really loves to kick into gear like this. I’ll start coming up with pointless rituals, or stay absolutely glued to my email inbox, or text message app, or whatever it might be. Some sense of order and control, at least until I become self-aware about it and it loses all its power.

But more than that, I just get paralyzed by stress. I fall into immense habit mode. Healthy or unhealthy, doesn’t matter. But I’ll tell you I have watched pretty much every Youtube video in my subscriptions every day for weeks, just to stay up to date on something. I’ve put 50 hours into Balatro in 4 weeks. Nothing even remotely productive, even with a ton of free time.

Last year, when this exact same feeling of hopeless despair got me paralyzed by stress, I sunk 110 hours into Fire Emblem Engage and watched a crapton of Star Wars animated spinoffs. During peak stress time, I also got REALLY into MS Paint Adventures again, as you may recall from my old blogs.

I know it’s unhealthy coping mechanisms and all that. But it helps me not go insane, for what it’s worth. I literally can do nothing but sit here and wait to see how my life will go. It’s up to bureaucracy, up to people doing paperwork and making phone calls. I’m just sitting here with my life in the hands of strangers who see me as a row on a spreadsheet, and boy does the bureaucracy love it some rules.

Just getting obsessed with random low-effort projects and letting my close friends and oomfies support me where they can. That’s the best way to pass the time and get pass the stress paralysis. Well, therapy would be nice too. I need money for that though lol

January 15 to April 15, 2023 was the most stressful, most heart-rending, possibly all-time worst three months of my entire life. I might have developed actual PTSD from that. What’s happening to me now is like, a quarter of that. Even worst-case scenario, I have a path forward.

Well, a difficult path, a heartbreaking path in many ways. But it’s a path, and that’s infinitely better than the shit that ruined me last year.

December 2023 was kind of amazing, where I met the person of my dreams and had a wonderful few weeks with them. It wasn’t meant to be, just a short-term roller coaster ride of fun. That’s fine, though! What’s not fine is that the come-down from such highs would be…. winter doldrums and then another extreme stress month thrown at me out of nowhere. I know I said it was a roller coaster, but I didn’t mean it in that way…

But remembering December reminds me that this too shall pass. Eventually, and within two weeks most likely, the paralyzed by stress feelings will all be gone. I’ll have my new life routine, or the same life routine with some minor changes hopefully. I’ll finally make the New Year’s Resolutions I promised in January.

It’s just existing in the moment that’s so unceasingly stressful. As long as I can keep myself not focused on the present, I’ll be fine… Ironically, this is usually the exact opposite of advice I need because I often ruin group projects by thinking too far ahead. But whatever, I’ll take it.

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